not so good memory

I was just looking back through this blog and stumbled upon this. It was posting in Nov 2007, but was a note I had found in my organizer...
April 3, 2007
Almost cried just now. Max is in clinic watching a TV show where they're talking about how things change, like the seasons or how people change when they grow up. "How will you change?" they ask. Max looks at me and says, "My hair will grow back!" I'm suddenly struck by the thought of him not growing up and not having any hair ever again.
Coming up on Max's Angel-versary. Everything is hitting hard.

Last week I had a terrible dream about losing Max. It's hard to remember it all, and it was a dream so there isn't a good story flow, but the gist of the dream was that Max had been kidnapped and he had been gone for two whole years. But I had given up hope from the time he disappeared of every finding him. The emotions that were coursing through me were all so terrible and jumbled. It's been a week since I had that stupid nightmare and I've thought about it everyday. Really? I've had two dreams about Max since he passed and this is one of them? Great.


amy said...

You are coming up on some difficult times. This is the beginning of the "sad season" for us too. My thoughts will be with you through the weekend.
I wish I had met Max. xo Amy Robins

Thelma said...

Missing Max is an everyday thing but these anniversaries make the sadness even more difficult. I wish I had magic words to make it
all better. Just know you are loved and we share
in your hurting.

Love you, Mom

Tia said...

You don't know me and I don't even remember how I stumbled on Max's blog but I think about him everyday. I hope it helps you to know that.

He helps me be a better mother to my own sweet girl. He reminds me to take the time. Everyday.

I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks, especially on the 31st. I can't even imagine a loss like you have suffered.

Max is never forgotten. Not even by people who never knew him.

Love from Cleveland.

San Diego Mom said...

Hey Melis, it's that time of the year again. I think it's the air in the season that stirs up the same emotion felt during the similar time.

School started this week here in the bay area and in that get-back-to-school frenzy and hint of the fall breeze in the morning, I always remember the acute pain that clutched my heart when I read of Max's passing.

You had to suppress your emotion, your sadness, your despair in order to care for Max, raise two other kids, and keep the spirit high in your family. And those suppressed, dark emotions always hit hard at night.

I will be praying for you to find comfort in your soul at the darkest of the night. Shedding tears is ok. But after the tears, may you find new strength in you and feel the morning sunshine in yourself and in your family.

Hugs and kisses to Hanna and Nic. Sam is getting to be enormous.


Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you...your family has been through so much. Missing Max never stops. While the pain will never go away, I pray the good memories give you some peace.

Michiko Lindsey said...

My daughter has NB. We are going through a hard time right now.

If you are up for it, would you call me sometime? 619-218-2040


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