9/23/2009

hole

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. The last picture to pop up on the computer as I headed upstairs was of Max with his curly blond hair, smiling with a cute hat on his head.

As I lay in bed the hole in my heart seemed so large and I wondered if it would ever shrink. I thought back to when I was pregnant with Hannah, our 1st child. She came into our lives and my heart swelled so much that I thought it might explode. It was so full and ever expanding with everything little thing she did. When we became pregnant with Max, I worried like crazy that I would not be able to love another child as much as I did Hannah. How could there ever be enough room in my heart for another? Max came, and my heart swelled again. It simply grows and grows. There's no making room for another in your heart. Your heart grows. By the time we had Nicky I understood and didn't worry at all.

Then Max had to go. And my heart didn't shrink. There's a hole in it. It's an ache, an empty place in my being.

12 comments:

Jenee said...

I think we all wonder how we could ever love our 2nd child as much as we did the first! & then it just happens:) I love ya & wish I could take that pain away.... Just cherish all the wonderful memories you have with Max.

Lauresa said...

Praying.in Dallas. for you all.
Love,
Reese

Shannon B. said...

My heart aches for you everyday Melis. I wish I could help more...know that you are always in my thoughts.

debsphotographs said...

tears!!! CANNOT imagine the pain!
hugs, love and strength sent your way. big hugs in person in a matter of days.
love you guys.
deb

Anonymous said...

I'm always thinking of you and sending my love to you guys... I have never felt your kind of pain or grief, but my heart does ache for you... Lots of hugs and prayers!
Carmen

Anonymous said...

Sending warm thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Max will always fill your heart. You are a wonderful Mom to all three of your children. Peace to you, Melissa.
East Coast Friend

donna ludwinski said...

how my heart aches for you...i just cannot imagine my worst fear realized. So much love....

Anonymous said...

I felt the same way back in 1992 with my first. How could I love another..it was like Christmas morning.
Max just made your heart beat stronger...I do beleive that and don't want to sound cliche.

The O'Sullivan Family (Will Lacey's Family)

Anonymous said...

Melissa, My heart is aching for you, for Andy, for Hannah and Nicky... and for Max. How very much I miss that little boy. I think about the hurt, the sadness and the unfairness of it all. We can't go back so we look forward. Fill that hole in your heart with sweet memories of your precious Max. Those memories remain forever... Hold them close.

Love you all, Mom

San Diego Mom said...

When I first gave birth and had my own child, my heart went out to all the mothers in the world who had lost their child. Prior, I would read those stories and cry but didn't really feel the pain. When I had my own, I realized the horror of your own baby, part of your flesh, taken away. I used to cry in the dark even, when I was putting kids down to sleep, imagining what would I do if something would happen to my kids. So I know and feel the aching hole you have.
The only thing I can offer is my prayer. Praying that Hannah and Nick will scoop the happiness they encounter in their life and use it to gradually fill your hole. And hopefully, from within, the happy memory from seven years with Max will seep into the hole and shrink it over time, however long it may take. shiho

Anonymous said...

Dad's Day & Assembly here at school today, and I felt my Max hole as I thought back to two years ago. I cannot imagine how painful your hole must be. Don't let it engulf you, try to stay strong as you think of all the wonderful Max things. Max would say, "yes, yes, yes!"
Craving a blue popsicle,
xolisa

Anonymous said...

Always thinking of you guys. We always think of Max with the cutest blonde curly hair. Sending our love and support to your family always.
The Boyko's in Chula Vista

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