9/23/2009

hole

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. The last picture to pop up on the computer as I headed upstairs was of Max with his curly blond hair, smiling with a cute hat on his head.

As I lay in bed the hole in my heart seemed so large and I wondered if it would ever shrink. I thought back to when I was pregnant with Hannah, our 1st child. She came into our lives and my heart swelled so much that I thought it might explode. It was so full and ever expanding with everything little thing she did. When we became pregnant with Max, I worried like crazy that I would not be able to love another child as much as I did Hannah. How could there ever be enough room in my heart for another? Max came, and my heart swelled again. It simply grows and grows. There's no making room for another in your heart. Your heart grows. By the time we had Nicky I understood and didn't worry at all.

Then Max had to go. And my heart didn't shrink. There's a hole in it. It's an ache, an empty place in my being.

9/13/2009

So that Max could have them in heaven

Nicky turned four today. Yesterday evening - Saturday - he had a party at JW Tumbles with some of his new buddies from preschool. Thank you everyone who came out to the party!

JW Tumbles is one of those local neighborhood kid gyms like a Gymboree, and it is where Max had his fifth birthday party, right before he started Kindergarten. It was in "long hair Max" days and he had a blast.



And Nicky wasn't even one yet...



We hadn't been back since, so it was another one of those "memory moments" when a flood of good/sad emotions hit at the same time.

This isn't so much a story about what happened during the party but more about what happened after...

After most of the guest had left JW Tumbles and we were loading up the car with leftover food, cake, Nic's presents, etc. Nic had his bunch of balloons that all the birthday kids get...



Nic must have got an idea...



Because he grabbed his Auntie Randee...



And told her that he needed to release the balloons...



So that Max could have them in heaven.



Happy Birthday Nicky. We love you! Max is surely smiling down on you today!