11/25/2008

Kitchen Table

Our kitchen table: where all the action is.

It's been three months already since Maxi-boy earned his wings. I don't know where I am with this reality. Some parents told me they were numb for the first year. I think that's a good definition. I haven't cried a lot - here and there, yes - but not what I would have thought. Last week a friend brought over a book for me, Tear Soup. (Thank you, Brenda. I love it.) It's a picture book, like what you'd read to your kids, but it's for adults and it's a recipe for grieving. I stood in the kitchen reading it and found tears streaming down my face. It was a relief to find something to help release my heartache over the loss of our beautiful boy. I've been thinking about Max more and more just recently. Seeing these videos and hearing his little voice and watching this actions... I just can't get enough. I guess my "missing" him has finally started. Thank goodness. It's not a bad feeling... this pain. It's necessary. It's welcome. I want to embrace it and have a good cry.

18 comments:

Leigh William said...

Hi Melissa, Hi Andy,

You are on my mind, and I will cry with you anytime. I know this year has been a rough one---but you are not alone. God is with you always, and He has given us one another to lean on today.

My prayers are with you. Call anytime.

With love,
Leigh

Randee said...

I remember one of those rare times when we got to come up and watch the kids and sitting at the table watching Max draw a fighter jet with all the detail and asking him questions and listening. Then he'd say "Annee Ranee do you have to ask so many question?". I treasure those times so very much. Thank you for sharing; then and now!

San Diego Mom said...

Hey Melis,

You have fought so long to keep that smile up for Max and stayed guarded all the time. It's time you let your battling wing fold and embrace your emotions. It is OK to cry now. I think it is even ok to cry in front Hanna and Nick. I'm sure they will comfort you and that alone, I believe, should be part of grieving and (hopefully) healing process.

Thinking all of you during this Thanksgiving.
XOXO
Shiho

Bree said...

Missy & Andy,
I was always in awe over the way you two cared for Max during his fight and I continue to be in awe at how you guys continue to live in honor of your sweet boy. It is no wonder Max was as wonderful and brave as he was-he has two of the strongest and loving parents there is. Thank you for being so vulnerable with your readers. We care so much about you all!
Love,
Bree

Anonymous said...

I haven't commented since Max passed away, I have been lost for words, everytime I see that you have posted a new entry I wonder what it will be about. I don't know how you are coping without Max. I admire your strength to keep on going. I don't know if I could be as strong...

I know that Max is watching down and missing you all so much.

Anonymous said...

These videos are AWESOME. I can't get enough of watching Max interact with family. Extra hugs for Hannah and Nicky. I can't imagine how hard it is...I pray for peaceful moments amid the grief.

I give thanks for Max and all the warrior kids, they are all amazing. I truly am blessed to know his story. Thank you for sharing your son.

Kipp said...

Thinking of you... :(

I am heading to a Magic Water fundraiser tonight... Ill be thinking of Max alot.

And I'll be thinking of your whole family tomorrow.

Still hoping maybe you guys will come visit in January - keep it in mind.

Love,
Kipp

robyn said...

I think about your family often. I have no comforting platitudes; I just want you to know that you are not forgotten.

Love,
Robyn

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Max all the time. Thanks for sharing him with all of us and teaching everyone something amazing along the way.
Carrie Palmer

Anonymous said...

Remember your soup is your own & how you make it & what goes into it is "pretty much" yours alone to decide. If you ever want to share a portion, I'll bring the rolls. xolisa

PS Did you catch Max's "pretty much" in the video?

Anonymous said...

Mellisa...everyone grieves differently and at a different speed..this is what is right for you...don;t ever question that about yourself...denial is at the top of the list of how people grieve...just let it go...Lisa is correct...she can bring the rolls ...I'll bring the wine....just let us know when you are ready for this....no pressure...ALSO the 'first' of all important dates and experiences are so hard..the dynamics of your family have forever changed...embrace the changes...I "know" it is very hard...but you have to do this...when you are ready... I am praying for you...xoxo Linny

Anonymous said...

I remember that - years ago right after I lost someone dear to me suddenly and tragically - that it was very hard to cry. For a long time, I liked going to sad movies bc they would help be a catalyst for crying. I found that the crying helped (albeit briefly) release a bit of what was inside.

Thoughts are always with you.

mooki said...

melis,
there are so many things to love about max in this video: the quiet intensity, the incredible focus on the things he likes, the way his tongue pokes out when he's concentrating, and that voice. thank you for sharing this with us. thinking of you, hoping that you find comfort in your grief. mooki

Anonymous said...

I am crying with you. Your sweet boy was remembered at our thanksgiving table yesterday. You are never far from my thoughts, especially now that we have a sweet boy of our own...ohhh how you love them!!!

Maureen

Ryan Morgan said...

What was I thinking? There is a book called "The Shack" by William Young. I read it about 6 months ago. I think it will give you peace about where Max is. Thinking about you always, Missy Morgan

Anonymous said...

Thinking of Max always. Thought I would check in.
Neil.

Vickie said...

Max is in my heart. I take him with me everywhere I go.

Anonymous said...

Andy - the tears are a way of washing the saddness from the soul, but love will always remain in the heart and mind and Max is there and always will be. I have noticed that your smile is beginning to return. D

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